Obama Places Limits on Church Services Beginning In May, “Americans Work Harder When They Pray Less”

Washington, DC — At a press conference today, President Barack Obama announced he would be implementing a new law changing the current monthly 4-Week church services down to 2 times a month. Obama says during these rough economic times it crucial to take drastic measures so Americans can work harder and pray less. These effects are to take place May 1st of this year and analyst expect this move to increase the economy by more than 40%.

President Obama told CNN the reason for the changes.

“Americans tend to work hard and pray harder. I’m asking them to make these changes for the good of the country during these hard times,” Obama said. “If things don’t work out within 6 months we can always switch back to the old way, but for now, lets give this a solid shot and see where it takes us.” Obama says during these times it is crucial to take drastic measures so Americans can work harder and pray less. There will be no hoarding and what a gallon of milk will cost you today will cost you a gallon of milk in 6 months. These are crucial times my friends and we must stick together as a country if we are going to succeed.”

36-year-old Paul Horner froPhoenix,Arizona told MSNBC he is not affected by Obama’s changes.“I don’t even go to church, I think it’s for suckers,” said Horner. “A mystery man inthe sky telling you what and what not to do; anyone that believes that is batsh*t and needs to get their head examined. Personally I enjoy my Sunday watching Football or mowing the lawn,” Horner said, “My wife yells at me for not gong to church and says I set a bad example for the children, but what does she know, she’s a woman who believes in a talking man in the sky.”

Obama finished the press conference by saying we must all unite or chaos and anarchy could happen.

“I’m implementing a nationwide 10PM curfew for now on to protect our citizens and our streets.” Obama said. “This is not a police state, this is to safeguard the people of this great country and financially bring it back to what it once was.”